Letter from Marcus Antonius to the Senate

Marcus Antonius to the senate and people of Rome,

Greetings from, well, wouldn’t you like to know where! I am sure that by now you have all learned of my flight from an unjust and unconstitutional imprisonment. Those of you who have conspired against me will have received this news with grimaces on your bloated senatorial faces, but those of you who still support me and stand firm on the side of the right will have rejoiced on hearing of my escape. I am writing this letter to explain and justify my action. I hope all of you will listen attentively, as this letter contains information of the utmost significance.

I need not recall to your minds my distinguished ancestry, which stems ultimately from the god Herakles, nor my distinguished service in the past on behalf of our noble republic. I need not recount all of my valiant military exploits in Palestine, Egypt, Gaul, Spain, Greece, and Italy herself, mater nostra. What I want most to remind you of is my recent conduct in the senate. I was entrusted with the acta of Caesar by his wife, Calpurnia, yet I have refrained from using them to prevent more unnecessary conflict in the senate, even though I would just be enacting the will of Caesar. More to the point, who was it who deposed the cowardly Lepidus from his position as magister equitum? Marcus Antonius. Who was it who then accepted a colleague you all appointed in the consulship in order to restore the republic to its former dignity? Marcus Antonius. Who was it who opposed the traitorous Lepidus, Octavian, and Dolabella in their impious march on Rome? Marcus Antonius. What fault, then, chickpea gallery, what fault can you find with these actions? What charge can you level against me when you observe without bias my conduct in the senate over the past weeks? Are my actions the sort of actions that should be rewarded with an unjust imprisonment? No, these are the actions of a patriotic Roman, someone who puts the interests of the republic before his own, someone who upholds the duty of his position and with every action supports the senate.

“But,” you may respond, “when the tribunes opposed you in the senate they read letters that surely incriminate you, don’t they?” Yes, those two tribunes, the illustrious Lucius Caesetius Flavus and the trustworthy Lucius Antonius, traitor to his own kin. I refer to them now only as the Gracchi brothers, since their actions will ultimately be as much or more detrimental to our state than those of Tiberius and Gracchus. Yes, the Gracchi did read letters in the senate that supposedly came from my own hand, with my own seal. But do you trust these men? What a shameful lot of timorous morons you are if you do! Did you not notice that they usurped the floor not only from, the consul, but also from the praetor, who by all rights should have taken over when I stepped down? Those two pieces of tribunician scum took control of the senate? Gentlemen, am I the last Roman, or does anyone else see the ignominy of this course of action? And you would trust these wretches? You would trust Lucius Antonius, a man who betrayed his own brother?!?! Dwell on this for a moment, gentlemen. How reliable is Lucius Antonius, or Gaius as I now refer to him? What more shameful action is there than the betrayal of one’s nearest relative? I would rank Lucius’ crime above that of Brutus, who only killed his benefactor. Lucius betrayed his own brother, and yet you all let this illegitimate (how else can account for his action?) lowlife take charge of the senate? And as for Lucius Caesetius, or Tiberius as I call him, confess to yourselves how much you love that prickly bastard.

“But they read letters.” Yes, they read letters. And I am sure that the outstanding character of these two true Romans guarantees the authenticity of those letters. Did it ever occur to any of you that, since I trusted my brother with a brother’s trust, that is, wholeheartedly, I suspected nothing when he borrowed my seal and even on occasion let him sign letters in my name? How do you think Tiberius and Gaius came by those letters, then? I happen to know, because I too have a letter, this one delivered to me by a trustworthy senator. It is a letter, one of the many that I have in my possession, from the traitor Gaius to his brother in deception:

(To Lucius Caesetius Flavus )

Hey, I’ve finished thinking about your proposition and I think you’re right. If you can assure me at least praetorship then I’ll support you against marcus. I’d also go for a tribune with consular powers if you still think that is easier to do. We need to keep my situation a secret for as long as possible. I can pass you information, but I don’t have any evidence against him yet. If it comes down to it we can always just make up as much as we need.

Marie
(Lucius Antonius)

Who can doubt that this comes from the hand of Lucius Antonius? The letter has his seal. It is written in his appalling, tribunician Latin. This letter, then, reveals what is actually going on right now: we are witnessing a conspiracy on the part of the tribunes to overthrow a great man, and god only knows their motivations. Both seem eager for higher office. Perhaps they are just trying to shore up their own positions for a future agenda. Don’t be surprised if they soon propose a land bill that is popular with the people.

But if you respond, “How do we know that this letter is authentic?” I shall put the same question back to you, “How do you know that the letters they read in the senate were authentic?” You, and the tribunes, have no other corroborating evidence. The only thing you have to compare with those letters is my behavior in the senate, and, as I set forth above, my recent behavior in the senate has been impeccable. If you go by my deeds, then you must admit the folly of your decision to imprison me without trial. If you rely so entirely on letters produced by the Gracchi, then you really are fools.

The chickpea party and, in particular, Mr. Chickpea himself have not shown such impeccable behavior in the senate of late. He allies himself not only with a traitor of his own brother and murderers, but has even stooped to adopt a little barbarian. Perhaps he has grown similar in mind to his Greek lackey. Let me remind you of this simple fact: on the recommendation of Cicero I was imprisoned without trial. Now, we all know on the basis of his track record that Mr. Chickpea is no stranger to proceeding against Roman citizens without trial, but who would have thought that he would repeat this same tactic after being exiled for a similar action 20 years ago? Has he not learned his lesson? I vow here in this letter that he will – that pacing windbag will learn to keep his mouth shut. And what of the noble Brutus? His escape from a trial for his act of parricide only emboldens him. I remind you all that four men have marched on Rome in recent days, and Brutus was the first. He called down Decimus’ legions on the city without senatorial approval or knowledge, and it was only my quick thinking that preserved our noble city from a tyranny of the chickpeas. And what about their military appointments? They have Catullus, the poet-general, out in the field, a man who has less military experience than the little finger I lost to a Gallic swordsman and less courage than my daughter.

And look at you senators who formally pledged your loyalty to Caesar: you bow to this petty faction that clings womanishly to tradition and vainly believes it can stop what is coming. It cannot. And if you have any self-respect left you will leave your seats in the senate and come join me in the camp. I will make things right.

Thus, it is with a clean conscience that I flee the city and go to my legions. I have been wrongly imprisoned, falsely maligned, strikingly unappreciated, and drastically underestimated. But I will make these things right.

Marcus Antonius